


I Have Loved the Stars Too Fondly

by Callistis



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 14:59:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19231468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Callistis/pseuds/Callistis
Summary: “ Michael was the first to step out of the shuttle … The captain looked radiant in what was left of the sunlight and Michael couldn’t help the smile that so easily slipped into her lips. Michael was hit immediately bit a sense of familiarity but with a hint of otherness that made her feel like she had fallen into one of the terran tales of otherness, kidnapped into a world beyond, like the one she knew but at the same time completely different, on the other side of the looking glass. ”





	I Have Loved the Stars Too Fondly

**Author's Note:**

> My entry for the 2019 Star Trek Reverse Big Bang. It was inspired by the [beautiful artwork](https://elissastillstands.tumblr.com/post/185619944915/michael-was-the-first-to-step-out-of-the-shuttle/) done by the amazing [elissastillstands](https://elissastillstands.tumblr.com/) at tumblr, who was extremely supportive through it all. Please take a moment to check all her other wonderful work as well. 
> 
> This was a complete chaotic experience but also my first time writing for an event, and first time writing an actual proper fanfic. It was very nice to take part in it, and I really hope you will enjoy it, as much as I enjoyed writing it.

It was a normal day by all standards aboard the Shenzhou.

 

‘Day’ might seem like a far too broad term in space, Michael considered, since there was no natural rotation, but rather just the ships’ universal clock to keep track of the time. The days were contabilized in a way similar to the date on Earth, that was then translated into the stardate issued by the Federation.

 

Today by Earth was September 10th, 2247, a Friday. Stardate 1197.4.

 

It also was their 3rd year anniversary.

 

It felt like no time at all since they had started dating. But it was already 3 years, the best part of half a decade. A very special day.

 

For the past anniversaries they had been brushing away actually doing anything for commemorating on the actual day. It started on the first anniversary, Philippa had a special assignment and had to be away during the actual day, they took a few days of shore leave 3 weeks later but nothing on the actual date. For the second Michael had to go back to Vulcan for a special family matter and although she had wished for Philippa to come, her captain duties had to take priority. They commemorated it later, together at a fancy dinner, Philippa had arranged for it to be a surprise, it didn’t really work, but neither of them minded. A meeting or another, and it’s not like they had to worry about a date, right? Not, when they had all the other times for each other.  

 

But for this one, Michael was determined to do something special, she just hadn’t been sure exactly what yet. For the last months this had been constantly at the back of her mind, not the date was closing in and she still had not figured anything out yet. And the clock kept ticking the days and hours away...

 

The gift was not so much the problem, as Philippa herself. The captain was a mystery in itself, sometimes Michael thought she would have the woman figured out just to be surprised by her sweetness and cleverness once again. Philippa was warm and kind, but also powerful and her love was the same. She wasn’t shy to be open about her feelings and revel on them, unlike Michael who still struggled with at times.

 

Growing up she wasn't exactly encouraged to show this side of herself, even with Amanda in their human "moments" it was always slightly toned down to fit a vulcan household. It was allowed, or rather excused, as Sarek would put humans required this kind of emotional proximity. But it naturally wasn't the same as growing up in a human household. When she joined the academy it became even less, after the bombing and her brush with death, Michael had decided to become a better daughter, a better sister, a better _vulcan_. So that no one would have to suffer the consequences of her humanity anymore.

 

She excelled, but everything any a vulcan would do, she was expected to do twice as better…

 

and she did.

 

But it wasn't easy, she was never allowed the space to feel without reprimand. Strong and determined as she was, she still had to carry on alone against the odds and learn how to defend herself. This had been true for _Suus Mahna_ as much as in the particular vulcan rhetoric.

 

There were few humans out there who could proudly say they mastered that kind of discipline and none quite so young as Michael. She was a being of logic. After all, she was _vulcan_.

 

But the Surak didn't dictate the best ways to choose an anniversary gift and so her search had to carried on still, as she walked from her quarters to the turbolift. Michael didn't want it to obvious or too cliché, she wanted it to be thoughtful and personal. But _what?_

 

She was so deeply buried in her thoughts that she barely noticed the slim figure of Saru joining her on the way up to the bridge.

 

“Commander?” Came the deep voice of the kelpien, and Michael was glad for her vulcan upbring keeping her from nearly jumping in place. She nodded to show she had been listening, it might have been enough to fool a ensign, but Saru knew her far better than that.

 

“Did you get any sleep _at all_?” There was a bit of concern in his voice, or perhaps just the worry she wouldn’t be able to focus on her duties.

 

“ Vulcans require considerably less sleep, Saru. I’m sure you are aware of that, as chief science officer. “  Although her countenance remained the same, there was a hidden smirk in her voice.

“ You know very well this doesn't apply in this case, Michael. “ He replied, missing her almost smile simply because of the door of the lifting opened at that exact same moment.

 

“Still no luck then?” Was all he had time to ask before they arrived at the bridge. Michael replied with a tired shake of her head.

 

Michael had considered asking for help a couple of times, within the crew there were people who had known Philippa far longer than she had after all, with years to add on in knowing what the captain’s preferences were. But Michael was also trying to keep the gift a surprise, and it was extremely hard to have the captain not notice if the entire crew already knew. After all, Philippa had know them for a very long time, and it was not hard for her to notice if someone was holding something back. So Michael had been extremely careful with her search.

 

Still Saru noticed it from the very start.

 

Kelpiens had evolved in an ambient where the slightly change could be the difference between survival and death, it also came very in handy while being a starfleet officer or just a specially mindful friend and so Saru had honed his natural skill to become not only very good, but also very quick to notice any change in behaviour aboard the ship, even Michael’s.

 

He had also been the first one to figure out that Philippa and Michael had started officially dating, way back when, and putting two and two together was just a little bonus for him. But he respected Michael’s wishes and so had done his best to keep it a secret.

 

He gave Michael a sympathetic smile as they both stepped into the bridge, making way to their proper positions. Saru took over the science station and Michael stopped by the captain’s side. Her right hand, her number one. Philippa welcomed her with a warm smile, albeit with a note of mischief.

 

“So nice of you to finally join us, Number One. “ There was this keen note of warmth that Philippa always managed to slip on the rank and Michael had come to appreciate so much, despite keeping herself in check not to show it.

 

“Mr. Saru.” The captain acknowledged with a nod, before turning her attention back to the main visor and beginning to brief the situation.

 

“ We have picked up a transmission from the planet below, as you are both aware it’s not supposed to have any kind of intelligent life, let alone anything close to the necessary technology to transmit a signal as strong as the one that is being broadcast. “  

 

“As the only ship on this quadrant, it’s our job to investigate.”

 

* * *

 

“The readings are still unclear far too unclear to make anything out on the surface.” Saru said with a slightly note of worry at the back of his tone, not that this was unusual for Saru, or for the readings per se. There had been a lot of interference from the strong radiation on this system. It was a proper nightmare for the ship almost outdated scanners.

 

“Can you get us a little closer, Detmer?” Philippa’s tone was that of a soft inquiry, but also commanding.

 

The redhead nodded, before starting maneuvering the ship.

 

It was complicated for a ship the size of the Shenzhou to find its way among the asteroid rings of the neighbour planet, but Detmer was a very resourceful pilot and managed to get it a little more closer as the captain had requested, without the needs for powering up the shields.  

 

“ Still too much interference, captain. “ Saru shaked his head in frustration.

“ What do _you_ make of it, Number One? ”

 

“ There’s not enough data, and you know my thoughts about speculating. “

 

“ Just entertain me, wouldn’t you ?” There was a mischievous smile, forming at the corners of Philippa’s lips.

 

“ I suppose the best course of action would be having a land party investigate. “ Michael said, it would have been reluctantly had she not been playing into Philippa’s game. “ It should be a small party, two or three people at best. “

 

“ It would be necessary to take a shuttlecraft, navigating the ring system would be too trick with the Shenzhou, not to mention the risk of breaking General Order One, and beaming with all the interference would be far too dangerous. “ Philippa completed, in a rather more enthusiastically tone than it would be expect from a captain in such situation.

 

“ Well, how is your driving, Michael ?” Now the smile was no longer some shadow at the corner of her lips, but full on and shining brightly as she gazed at Michael with that hint of innocent of a little kid who just stole a cookie from the pot at the top of the shelve.

 

* * *

 

No one was surprised when Philippa called for Michael as her accompaniment for the land party. It was a rare enough occurrence for Michael not to be around Philippa, the crew knew very well that when the captain called her Number One it was much more than the merit granted by her position. There was this special kindness in the way she said it everytime, that had bets going around for months before they officially started dating.  

 

The shuttle was not hard to navigate and Michael was a skilled pilot. It ran smoothly, making small detours to avoid the asteroids. And although she was focused on her current assignment, it was impossible for a small part of her mind not to focus on the fact that Philippa was there, sitting close besides her.

 

There was this warm feeling in Michael’s chest again, she had been getting so used to it in the past years, that she almost missed it whenever Philippa wasn’t around, it was almost like a part of her very soul --of her _katra_ , she imagined would feel like -- were missing.

 

They had finished navigating the more complicated part of the way, now it only needed to get through the atmosphere and ready to land. Michael set the rest of the course on the computer and allowed for the automatic pilot to take care of it. Just as she did that, she offered her hand shyly, brushing it against Philippa’s.  

 

Philippa let her hand brush on Michael’s softly in a silent reply, before holding the hand up to her own lips and kissing it tenderly. She then got closer to Michael. Leaning in for a soft kiss on the lips.

 

“ I thought you had forgotten. “ she whispered softly between the kisses.     

 

" I could never. "

 

Communications to the Shenzhou were already down by them, but at that moment, Captain nor First Officer seemed to mind.

 

There was still some time until the shuttle would reach the planet surface and they didn’t want to waste any second of it.

 

* * *

 

By the time the shuttle landed on the planet’s surface it was already nearly twilight. The sky burned in a myriad of reds giving space to darker hues and shades of purple, one of the planets suns had already set and the other was only half way into view, by their calculations it would be no longer than 30 minutes before it had completely set.

 

Michael was the first to step out of the shuttle. She had her PADD in hands and a slightly disheveled look about her hair and uniform that went unnoticed by the desert life. She was followed closely by Philippa. The captain looked radiant in what was left of the sunlight and Michael couldn’t help the smile that so easily slipped into her lips.  

 

Michael was hit immediately bit a sense of familiarity but with a hint of otherness that made her feel like she had fallen into one of the terran tales of otherness, kidnapped into a world beyond, like the one she knew but at the same time completely different, on the other side of the looking glass.

 

“Any commentary, Number One ?” , came Philippa’s voice soft but with a hint of expectation.

 

Michael looked back at her captain, Philippa smiled back raising her eyebrow in what was a clear mimic of Michael’s current expression.

 

“.. Beautiful. “ Michael said, taking a couple of steps forward into the red sand of the desert planet. She breathed in, it felt like home. The air was warm now, but there was enough wind to make Philippa’s  hair dance, and with the dying sunlight it looked almost like a halo around her face. “ The planet, as well. “

 

“Oh. You flatterer. “

 

They continued the walk. The air was warm and dry now, but if Michael knew anything about deserts, and with the data her PADD had collected from the atmosphere so far, she could conclude it would be getting _very_ chill _very_ soon. Not any less dry though.

 

Another thing Michael noticed was that...  there was no movement. At all.

 

Even at very heart of The Forge, there was a rush of life if you just looked for it. _Sehlats_ , _Le-Matyas_ and even some more resistant species of plants were always around there somewhere. Sometimes only waiting for a good chance to strike.

 

But not here.  

 

Not a single thing seemed to be alive all along the miles and miles of sand.

 

She scanned the area with her PADD again, but as much as she didn’t enjoy speculating, the results of the reading were the same as her conclusion. Nothing. She could always put it up to the assumption of interference. That was after all what they went down to investigate. That and the curious transmission. Michael reminded herself, as much as she enjoyed spending the time with Philippa, that wasn’t really a shore leave.

 

She looked around once again, this time her eyes stopped just as Philippa entered her view. She stood like that for a second, PADD in hand, her gaze fixed on the captain surrounded by the red sunset sand.  As unlikely as it was, she and Philippa seemed to be the only visible life forms in the entire region, perhaps even on the entire planet.

 

* * *

 

The night had fallen fast and with it the temperature started to drop considerably. The wind picking up didn’t exactly help either, but it did clear the sky from any clouds that could have thought about forming. The shuttle had landed near to a big red rock formation, rising from the sands, it gave away a nice view of many miles around them from most directions, and a specially nice view of the sky above.

 

Without the light pollution of any nearby cities, it was easy to spot all the stars from the system shining brightly and from the height it felt like the sky was wrapping around them like beautiful fabric made of galaxies.

 

Michael had stepped out of the shuttle to watch the night, she always loved the stars, granted, not many people who choose that sort of career didn’t but not all of them had the time to stop and notice the singularly beauty of every planet like Michael did.

 

She had enjoyed watching the stars since she was a child. Whenever she went, they felt like old friends in the sky, like no matter where she was it could be home. She felt like that with Philippa too, _home_.  

 

On her first night in Vulcan she could not sleep. Michael had snuck up through the _sehlat_ door, it wasn’t locked, they rarely were. Most vulcan children wouldn’t think of such thing and most _sehlats_ were well trusted enough to know when and where they should go without the supervision that would be given to a common house pet.

 

And wandered into the desert night to watch the stars.

She remembered thinking, as she sat in the desert sand, that they shone brightly than any stars she had seen before.

 

She also remembered the stories she was told when she was young, of a little girl reaching into the night sky and touching the stars. And at that night in Vulcan, Michael thought perhaps she could.

 

She reached out to the sky then only to be distracted by I-Chaya before she could come anywhere near touching the stars, then. The big bear-like creature had stayed with her the rest of the night and accompanied her home on the first hours of the morning, she was surprised to find that her little escape hadn’t gone as unnoticed as she thought.

 

This night, there on that alien planet, felt the same. Michael reached for the stars, she knew she wouldn’t touch them, but deep _deep_ down, underneath all the reasoning... she hoped, just a little, for the warmth of the stars to touch her skin.

 

* * *

 

 

Philippa had been planning this for months.

 

She wanted something special for Michael and she wanted it to be personal and theirs. She had thought about taking a shore leave together to somewhere nice, maybe Risa or some other M-Class planet… ? No, no. That wouldn’t really do. Honestly, Michael wasn’t especially fond of time off the clock, of course she enjoyed to have a break but always with something constructive to occupate herself. And if Philippa were to really get down to it... she couldn’t see herself on a tourist hotspot either.

 

No, it would have to be something else.

 

* * *

 

Philippa step out of the shuttle and stared into the night. The red sands covered the entire surface around them and there was a soft chilly breeze that made the captain thankful for the uniform. Michael was just standing there.

 

A few feet away.

 

Watching the night sky.

 

Philippa held the small metal box, taking one look before, delicately placing it on the uniform pocket.

 

And taking the steps forward to stand close to Michael.

 

* * *

 

Phillipa approached Michael from behind, involving her in a hug, arms all around, holding her close, she was so warm against the night air. She cupped her hands around Michael’s and gave a kiss or her cheek from behind, before taking the small box from her pocket and placing it into the other’s hands.

 

“Happy anniversary!” There was something of a contradiction to her tone, she was eager and expectantly of Michael’s reaction, but somewhat afraid she had stepped the line. She didn’t want to move to fast, but she also felt like it was time for them to move one step forward.

 

She only hoped Michael felt the same.

 

* * *

 

The temperature inside the house was a lot cooler than on the outside, but still considerably warmer than what Philippa was accustomed to.

 

As much as the temperature calibrators of a spaceship tried to mimic the normal weather, there was always this cold feeling that seemed to find it’s way from the starry outside. Philippa didn’t mind that at all.

 

To be completely fair, she cherish it somewhat. She had always like that controlled cold. She found that she even missed it sometimes, when she was out in the open, with real wind or sun in a planet with a real atmosphere.  

 

She missed it a lot, at that very moment, with the warmth of Vulcan making it feel like she was staring into an open hot oven.

 

The warm air clinged to her hair and skin and made her regret the choice to still be wearing her uniform, but she had been in a bit of a hurry and thought surely this wouldn’t be a problem, after all it wasn’t as if she was going to venture into the Forge, or anywhere near it; and it was a formal occasion after all, meeting with the Ambassador’s wife.

 

Philippa straightened her jacket one more time, as she casually took another look around the house. She tried to imagine what it was like growing up there.

 

It was very spacious but also extremely clean and minimalistic. It was hard to imagine children running around all the clean cut angles. It didn’t feel like the place for children, it felt far too peaceful, silent and _cold._ And then right at the middle of all the straight lines in the room was a... bookshelf.

 

All warm colours and filled from top to bottom with actual books. It was not so common to find paper books anymore, even less as many volumes as there were here outside of a federation archive. Most of them were classic literature, poems. Some were in languages unknown to Philippa, some were clearly vulcan, there was terran literature from all periods, she recognized an andorian booklet and also… Children’s books. The kind of books that would be filled with beautiful illustrations, Grimm's fairy tales and journeys to magical lands. The kind of books she would never expect to find in a vulcan household.

 

Philippa couldn't help the smile that crept into her lips as she imagined Michael crouched down by the bookshelf, devouring story after story from Snow White, the Wizard of Oz and to the Little Enchanted Shop of Regulus III.

 

Her smile was met with another just as warm and a pair of bright blue eyes as Amanda joined her near the bookshelf.

 

" Nice, aren't they ? " Amanda took one of the volumes from out of the shelves, opening it at what seemed to be random, but was actually a marked page. There was a small dried flower right at the middle of the page, encapsulated in a thin glass bookmark. " I took this one with me when I moved here. " She said, as if she felt there was a need to explain.

 

" The collection has grown considerably since. But this one is still among my favourites. I used to read it to Michael when she was younger. "

 

She placed it back in the bookshelf, carefully. At book spine was the title and a small drawing of a little girl and a white rabbit.

 

" So, " Amanda said with a warm and composed but slightly curious tone. "What can I do for you, Captain Georgiou? "

 

Naturally, Amanda had her guesses to what this was about.

 

She was well aware Michael was more than just fond of the captain. But since she hadn't really come forward to it openly besides the casual dinner together and inviting to come to family events as a plus one, Amanda had choose not to pry. She knew far too well how complicated it could be for personal life to spill into professional life, and she respected keeping somethings to yourself until you're comfortable with the right way to label it.

 

Philippa had considered this for a while now. She had practiced the words in her head for months, even before the idea was completely formed in her head, she had been thinking about it. But actually saying them, making them a reality was a harder thing than she had anticipated. Now that she face to face with those eager blue eyes.

 

_I want to marry Michael. I want to propose to her in a way that would be comfortable for her, in a way that was not only human but also vulcan. Just like her. For her to be the happiest, most loved person in the entire universe, hers and mine._

 

Simple, wasn’t it?

 

Amanda smiled knowingly. She had just the thing, she said. Then she got up, leaving Philippa alone in the vulcan living room once again, just this time seated and with a nice cold beverage.

She returned a couple of minutes later, with the little metal box in her hands. She handed it to Philippa, with a second thought.

 

“You’ll need to take very good care. “ She told Philippa.

 

And by the way she said it, it was clear Amanda wasn’t talking about the earrings.   

 

* * *

 

Philippa was unusually nervous. She had heard it many times that she wasn’t easy to unsettle, and in her daily life, it was a characteristic that she greatly welcomed. But she knew that Michael’s answer could be far more damaging than a Klingon’s Bird of Prey.

 

Michael’s eyes went wide at first, she seemed like she was holding her breath, unsure of how to proceed or to even process. The outside of the little box was engraved with beautiful and very intricate vulcan calligraphy, Michael let her fingers slide over the details, she could feel the way it was sculpted into the box. The craftsmanship was careful and perfect.

 

She opened it.

 

“Philippa.. “

 

On the inside there were 3 ear rings. All gold, the first was circular and had the IDIC inscriptions written down in vulcan calligraphy, the second was a gold string ending in a gold pyramid, and the third and last was a red orb made of a vulcan stone similar very similar to a ruby. It shone brightly even on the dim light of the planet's night.

 

Michael knew those earrings, of course. They had been in her family for generations.  

 

Amanda only wore it on very special occasions, it had been her wedding gift. Michael remembered the first time she saw them, when they were both getting ready for Spock’s graduation. Michael had wore a all white dress with golden details embroidered through all the sleeves and Amanda wore a white dress with the red details and the earrings.

 

Michael remembered how the stone had seen to shine, bringing out the details in the dress even more.  

 

Michael had wondered if she would look as beautiful in her wedding day, if she ever _did_ get married. It never seemed so likely, it was never on her top priority list. And yet here she was now, with the most important person in her entire world.

 

Her mouth opened, soundless for a second, while she still grasped for the words. “... Are you really? “

 

“Yes.”  Philippa held Michael’s hands on hers, she stepped forward so that the two would be facing each other. Her dark eyes deep into Michael’s.

 

“ Michael, I love you. I want to be with you. Now and forever, if you want to be with me too. “  She held her breath, unconsciously. “ You don’t have to answer now, I just want you to know that’s how I feel.

 

I won’t change, it won’t change. You can take as much time as you need. “  

 

“ I do, yes! Of course, I do! “ Michael said at last, she was still shaking her head a little, as if to try to break out of whatever kind of dream this might be. Her smile was much more beautiful and brighter than any of the stars, Philippa noticed at that moment.

 

“ I love you. “ And she did. She loved her _so much._

 

Michael kissed her. It was so tender, and loving. So open, and soft. She just wanted to stay like that, with her.

 

Forever.

 

* * *

 

They spent the rest of the night together.  Most of it outside, stargazing. Michael’s head resting on Philippa’s shoulder.

 

Or simply lying together.

 

It was enough just to be together.  

 

To know that they would be together, no matter what.

 

On the next morning they drafted the path until where the signal was being transmitted from and found it was an old shipyard with some of the outdated technology still transmitting mixed messages without much sense.

 

Whatever environmental fenomena had wiped away the life from the surface hadn't been able to effectively destroy the ships, made to support most of what space travel could send its way, Michael deduced. There were some parts where the material had been considerably damaged, by the time and weather, just left there to waste away into eternity.

 

They went back to the shuttle afterwards. Hand in hand. A stolen kiss here and there under the desert sky.

 

Once they arrived at the docking port of the Shenzhou, Michael was still wearing the gift, they stood closer than before and Saru pretended not to notice, when Michael leaned in for another kiss and Philippa was quick to indulge her Number One. He only smiled a quiet congratulations to Michael.

 

" It worked out, then ? " He asked, on their way to the bridge. Michael opened her mouth to reply, but--

 

" Oh, so much better than I imagined. I don't know why I was so nervous about it. " was Philippa's ever so quick reply.

 

Michael exchanged looks between the two of them, with what would have been a clearly surprised face but she was able to tone down to only one raised eyebrow.

 

He had _known_ all along and didn't mention anything. Well, he hadn't mention the other side to Philippa either, she supposed. And keeping something from the captain could be a much more serious offense than keeping it from a first officer. Still, she would have felt a ping of betrayal, if it weren't Saru just trying to do a good part as a friend.

 

Just as they arrived at the bridge, Philippa kissed Michael one more time. There was a rush of knowingly noises from the crew and some mentions of a ongoing bet, apparently Detmer had won the guess. That naturally brought a satisfied albeit mischievous smile to Philippa's face as she sat down on the captain chair.

 

Michael stopped by the captain’s side. Her right hand, her number one. Philippa welcomed her with the kind of smile that was reserved only for Michael. A tender ray of sunlight, in all her days, her home aboard the Shenzhou, her captain, her Philippa. She smiled back, as they made their way in that path made of stars.

 

If she reached for it, she could just hold her, her on star. She did, and Philippa welcomed her hand with a tender hold.

 

_Always and never touching._


End file.
